Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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