I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
