he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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