Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
