Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
