Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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