Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
