Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
