textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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