Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
