My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
