Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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