I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My cat gives me a boner
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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