Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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