you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
