I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
