she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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