I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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