I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
