Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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