god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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