he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I still have a little drunk in my system
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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