when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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