I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
