my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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