I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Two words: blizzard sex
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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