Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
