Kiss
Puke
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
