the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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