I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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