Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
