I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
