if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
