You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
