I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Life is so much better after having sex.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
