Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
