My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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