captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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