so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
