He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
