i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
