Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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