You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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