): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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