i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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