I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
