mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
