apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
