Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize