she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
