I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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