Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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