When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
