What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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