Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
