Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
