True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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